Is It Subconscious Self-Sabotage, A Sickness, Or Am I Just Fucking Broken?

Last Monday I got discharged from the Bridge House because I drank and got extremely drunk. I was in a great place where I was surrounded by good people and had three months of safe shelter. All I had to do was stay sober. I’m lucky I have my Mother and Sherri because I am running out of resources. If it wasn’t for them I would be on the streets and probably continuing to consume drugs and alcohol. Actually, really, if it wasn’t for them I would be dead by now.

This seems to be a common theme with me over the past few years. I get myself into a good position and then I ruin it somehow, mainly because I choose to consume alcohol. And this is how it starts.

Something triggers me and I feel a switch flip in my state of mind. I go for a walk and during that time I start to walk toward a liquor store. The whole time through my mind I hear, “What are you doing?” repeated over and over again. I hear it while I’m opening the door. I hear it as I am talking to the clerk. I hear it as I am paying, and it continues as I am walking out the door. Then I get a little kick of adrenaline as I walk away from the store. A few blocks away I proceed to open the mickey and take my first sip. That first sip is always extremely gross and I ask myself, “Why did you do that?”, and I feel extreme guilt and disappointment. Thirty minutes later I start to feel the effect and taking a sip feels easier. All anxieties are gone and everything seems to flow much easier…Then I wake up instantly filled with regret and guilt times 100. Also, a bit of fear, because the withdrawal symptoms I’m about to experience are extremely painful and I just might have a seizure that day.

It’s like having another personality in here and when that switch flips I become a prisoner. I’m just along for the ride. But then I also question if I’m just allowing him to take the wheel. How hard am I actually trying to restrain him? Is there some kind of subconscious self-sabotash thing going on with me? I mean, I have attempted suicide once before and then almost attempted again less than a month ago.

I also question if I have an illness. Do I need some kind of medical therapy like medication? I’m not a big fan of medication mainly because it can cause other unrelated problems. I really hope all of this is because I am temporarily mentally broken. If I’m just broken all I need is the right tools and knowledge and I’ll be able to fix myself. This is why I am ready to get into a recovery program. I’ve had one interview already with one place and an interview with another place on Monday. There is potentially a third interview coming up as well.

Right now I have to try to stay sober and be open and honest during my interviews. Thankfully over the past week, I have learned some new tools I can use to help me with that. Still not easy though. One thing that has been really helpful is something my counsellor told me the other day. She said, “Well, you are still here and have made it this far. The universe must still need you around for something.”

P.S. The photo…what ever. ;P